A first pitch, annotated: what to fix before you send it

The first pitch most students write sounds polite and says almost nothing. Below is a made-up example for a campus project, with each problem marked, followed by a rewrite you can use as a pattern for your own.

The first draft

Subject: Exciting news from Westfield University!

"Hi Dana, I hope this email finds you well! I am a student at Westfield University and I am writing to tell you about an amazing, innovative event that our Sustainability Club is hosting. We are so passionate about making a difference. The event, which will take place on campus, will be a huge success and a great opportunity for the community. Please let me know if you would like more information. Thank you so much for your time!"

What a reporter sees

The subject line says nothing. "Exciting news" could describe anything, and a busy reporter has no reason to open it. Put the news in the subject: what is happening, to whom, and when.

A greeting takes the first sentence. "I hope this email finds you well" uses the most valuable line in the email on something every email already says. The same goes for "I am a student at..." as an opener. Start with the story.

The news itself is missing. The email says an event is happening on campus without giving a date, a place, or a number. A reporter cannot judge whether it is worth covering without those details.

"Amazing," "innovative," and "huge success" are claims with nothing behind them. A reporter cannot check them and will treat them as marketing. One concrete fact does more, such as how many people, how many items, or how much money.

Nothing connects the pitch to this reporter. Dana covers a specific beat, and a pitch that mentions her recent article shows you picked her on purpose.

The closing ask is vague. "Let me know if you would like more information" hands the work back to the reporter. Offer something specific: a person available to talk, or photos at a set time.

The rewrite

Subject: Westfield students will repair 200 donated bikes for free this Saturday

"Hi Dana, you wrote last month about the Mill Street bike lane closures. On Saturday from 10am to 2pm, the Westfield University Sustainability Club will repair 200 donated bikes in the Student Union parking lot and give them to residents who commute without a car. The club collected the bikes this spring from local shops and the campus lost property office. Two of the volunteers, both mechanical engineering students, can talk with you before the event, and the repairs will make good photos from 10am. I can send details on request, or call you Thursday afternoon if that suits. Thanks, Sam"

What changed

The subject line now carries the whole story, and the opening shows why this reporter was chosen. The date, place, and number sit in the first two sentences, and facts a reporter can check replace the claims. The ask is small and specific, with a named time, and the rewrite is shorter than the first draft.

Check your own pitch

You can run a draft through Writing Review before sending it. Paste it in, choose Media Pitch, and it scores the draft and flags promotional language, a buried lead, or a weak headline, with a suggested rewrite for each. Students can find the free trial offer on the student page, and the pricing page has the standard trial.